Can DBT Help High-Conflict Couples? How I Use DBT in Couples Therapy

You can love your partner deeply AND be incredibly angry with them right now.

Those two things can exist at the same time.

For many of the high-conflict couples I work with, the problem isn’t a lack of love. They may care deeply about each other and still find themselves having versions of the same fight over and over again.

One person feels hurt. They react. Their partner feels attacked or misunderstood and reacts back. Before long, the original issue has been joined by six other issues, someone has brought up something that happened in 2019, and neither person feels particularly loved or understood.

This is one reason I use Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, in my couples work.

What Does DBT Have to Do With Couples Therapy?

DBT is often associated with individual therapy, but many of its principles translate beautifully into relationship work.

My approach is influenced by Alan Fruzzetti’s work with high-conflict couples, particularly his application of DBT principles to relationships.

One thing I want couples to understand is that conflict rarely happens in isolation. Each partner’s emotions and responses affect the other person, creating a cycle that can become very difficult to interrupt.

When emotions are running high, it also becomes harder to listen accurately, communicate clearly, or give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

So before we try to solve every problem in the relationship, we may need to work on what happens during the conflict.

Validation Does Not Mean Saying Your Partner Is Right

This is probably one of the most important things I teach couples.

You can validate someone without agreeing with them.

Validation means communicating that you can understand something about your partner’s experience.

For example:

“I understand why that hurt you.”

is very different from:

“You’re right. I did something terrible.”

Couples often get stuck because validation feels like surrender. If I acknowledge your feelings, does that mean I’m admitting that your version of events is correct?

No.

Learning to validate each other can help couples move away from arguing over whose interpretation is objectively correct and toward actually understanding what happened between them.

DBT Can Help Couples Slow Down the Conflict Cycle

In DBT-informed couples therapy, we can also look closely at the sequence of events that turns a disagreement into a major fight.

What happened first?

What did you notice?

What did you assume your partner meant?

What emotion showed up?

What did you do next?

And then what happened?

Understanding this sequence gives couples more opportunities to catch the pattern before they are completely consumed by it.

The goal isn’t to become a couple who never gets angry. I’m not sure I’d trust a relationship where nobody ever gets annoyed. 🙃

The goal is to become better at recognizing what is happening and responding in ways that move you toward the relationship you actually want.

High Conflict Does Not Automatically Mean Your Relationship Is Hopeless

When couples have been stuck in the same painful patterns for years, it can start to feel like evidence that the relationship simply cannot work.

I see it differently.

A pattern that has happened hundreds of times can feel incredibly powerful, but understanding the pattern gives you somewhere to intervene.

If you’re looking for high-conflict couples therapy, I offer couples therapy in Albany, California, as well as virtual therapy throughout California. My work combines DBT principles with my experience treating relationship conflict and helping couples understand what keeps pulling them back into the same fights.

You can care deeply about your partner, feel furious with them, and still learn a different way forward.